Walcoff: Sports highlights to look forward to this April

You’d better get to AT&T Park early tonight. Before the Giants-A’s Bay Bridge Series opener, Barry Bonds and Jose Canseco will be taking part in a home run hitting contest taking hacks against Roger Clemens. Yes, the old outlaws of baseball’s wild, wild west will lock and load for one last time in an event being billed as the “Sock it to the Rocket” show. Proceeds go to their legal defense funds.

– Tim Lincecum has signed on to be a spokesman for California’s Tax Cannabis Act of 2010. Pot advocates hope the Giants ace comes out smokin’ this season, or at least lobbies the Giants to have a medical marijuana cardholders night at their waterfront ballpark.  

– After wavering for over a year about whether the A’s should be able to invade the Giants territorial turf in the South Bay, Bud Selig has agreed to settle the dispute by a coin flip: Heads the A’s can build a stadium in San Jose, tails they move to Las Vegas.

– Following months of insisting he doesn’t know nor care about how many games he needs to win to become the NBA’s all-time winningest coach, the truth is finally out about Don Nelson. A pizza delivery man reports seeing a voodoo doll of Lenny Wilkens and the number “1,333” plastered all over a calendar in Nellie’s kitchen. 

– Declaring himself the second-best player in the NBA, behind Kobe Bryant, but ahead of LeBron James, Monta Ellis will launch his second career Friday night doing stand-up comedy at S.F.’s Punch Line.

– While the 49ers were holding OTA workouts this week in Santa Clara, their head coach was out of town scouting talent for the upcoming NFL draft. Not to worry though, Mike Singletary reportedly called Steve Mariucci for advice on how to leverage the Yorks for more authority in the organization without getting fired.

– Following a rash of unsavory incidents by NFL players at strip joints, the league is considering a year-round midnight curfew and a “no-fly rule” at nightclub VIP sections. 

– With news that cost overruns on construction of Cal’s Student-Athlete High Performance Center will be passed on to UC Berkeley students, school officials have contacted Phil Knight for financial assistance. What’s the Bear’s pitch to the Nike founder who just donated $100 million to the University of Oregon for the Ducks’ new basketball arena? “We’ll wear your shoes, put a big Swoosh on the 50-yard line and on our jerseys … just pleeeease help us level the playing field.”

– Upset at being banned from running in international races until the IAAF can confirm her gender, embattled 800-meter women’s world champion Caster Semenya is switching sports … to the biathlon.

– Officials are beefing up security at Augusta National after learning that all of Tiger Woods’ mistresses are planning to show up for next week’s Masters golf tournament. Protests are expected at every hole to remind Tiger that a woman scorned is more trouble than his worst lie in the deepest rough.

Happy April Fool’s Day.

KGO (810 AM) Sports Director Rich Walcoff can be heard weekdays from 5 to 9 a.m. on the KGO morning news and is also the co-host of “Raiders Gameday” and “Recap” talk shows on KSFO (560 AM). He can be reached at RichWalcoff@gmail.com.

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