It’s the kind of investigative journalism that would make Woodward and Bernstein proud.
Dear General Manager,
Hard to believe it’s come to this, but I am writing this letter to personally let you know that I am eager to return to the big leagues. In between taking my children to school and religiously watching “American Idol,” I have been working out feverishly in hopes of finding a new team.
Now I know what you may be thinking: Who wants a gimpy-legged, soon-to-be 44-year-old with an ego and attitude matched only by his hat size?
But after being away from baseball for almost eight months, I am ready to make some important changes.
I will not insist that the team I play for be a contender. I know in the past I said all my records take a back seat to getting to the World Series, but now I know winning isn’t everything — I just miss being one of the guys. I will not make huge salary demands. I have made enough money to last 100 lifetimes, so now it’s time to make sure there’s enough to go around for everybody else.
In my newfound spirit of camaraderie, I will no longer require four lockers in the clubhouse. With all the time I’ve spent at home, I’ve learned that sharing helps a family grow closer. When the manager says it’s time to stretch or pose for the team photo, I will no longer tell him to get lost — hey, I don’t even watch that show, anyway.
And although I’ve never played in the American League, I finally realize that being a designated hitter will not only keep me fresher at the plate, but I also won’t have to hear the annoying “ster-oid” chants from those prejudiced bleacher bums.
As for my posse of traveling companions — or, as we say here in Beverly Hills, my entourage — well, I would like to keep just one assistant: personal trainer Greg Anderson. Greg is more loyal than Old Yeller and even though I’ve treated him like a dog in the past, he will live in the lap of luxury for the rest of his life, however feeble it may be.
And finally, I know you may be concerned that my legal problems will be a distraction, but trust me, my lawyers are so good that the government’s perjury case won’t go to trial until I’m long gone from the game.
Please don’t let this great opportunity pass you by. Soon, the kids will be home for summer vacation and they already told me I better have a job by then.
Yours in waiting,
Barry Lamar Bonds
P.S.: Don’t contact my agent Jeff Borris directly. Who needs a middleman anyway?
Rich Walcoff is the sports director at KGO Radio (810 AM) and can be heard weekdays between 5-9 a.m. on the “KGO Morning News.” He can also be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.