Urban: A fan’s birthday wishlist

Today is my birthday, and here’s what I want:

» Front-row seats to a UFC-style cage match between Barry Bonds and Curt Schilling.

» One day of access to Adonal Foyle’s ATM card and pin number. Oh, how that man must laugh when he calls that automated balance line.</p>

» News that Michael Vick has been attacked by a pack of dogs toting water guns and Tasers.

» For A’s manager Bob Geren to admit, just once, that his team played a bad game. The Elephants are on pace to lose 81 games this year, and many of the 60-some losses thus far have been putrid, but Geren is the kind of relentlessly positive guy who, were he general manager of the Warriors, would say thatAdonal Foyle did a lot of good things in his two minutes of playing time at the end of a 40-point loss to the Memphis Grizzlies.

» A single reason — any reason — to renew my interest in the basketball program of my alma mater, the University of San Francisco, after more than a decade of aggressive apathy.

» One day inside the head — “Being John Malkovich”-style — of Pirates GM Dave Littlefield, if only to explore that kind of medical deficiencies would prompt a man to give Rajai Davis and a prospect to be named later to the Giants in exchange for Matt Freaking Morris and his $13.7 million in money owed for services not yet rendered.

» Better yet, give me access to Littlefield’s stash box. Must be something awfully freaky in there, no?

» For Giants management to end the circus before it starts and immediately announce their 2008 intentions — one way or another — regarding Bonds.

» And for Bonds, if the announced intention is to keep him around, to follow by issuing a release saying something along the lines of, “While flattered by the Giants’ interest, I’ve decided to instead retire at the end of this season and devote the rest of my life to finding dirt on Bob Costas.”

» Immunity from prosecution and a half-hour with the knucklehead telling JaMarcus Russell to hold out until the Raiders agree to pay him even if he goes all Mike Vick. Make it 15 minutes. That’s enough time to choke someone out, right?

» The strength of 49ers lineman Larry Allen. Not that sportswriters need to be strong, but at some point in time, being able to pick up your own car has to come in handy.

» And finally, I’d also like my one-of-a-kind grandmother, 93-year-old Ruth Urban, to be with me as I celebrate my next 20 birthdays. I love you, Grama.

Mychael Urban is the author of “Aces: The Last Season On The Mound With The Oakland A’s Big Three — Tim Hudson,Mark Mulder and Barry Zito” and a writer for MLB.com. He also hosts the weekend edition of “Sportsphone 680” on KNBR (680 AM).

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