Batman always had the Joker, Superman had Lex Luthor and Spiderman could always count on the Green Goblin to be his foil. In the world of superheroes, the hero just can’t be super unless he’s got a worthy arch-enemy.
For Terrell Owens, who sees a hero staring back from his own mirror each day, he has found a new foe with whom to wage comic-book war: Himself.
After single-handedly destroying the evil Jeff Garcia and Steve Mariucci while with the 49ers, Owens fought titanic battles with the insidious Donovan McNabb for control of Metropolis’, er, Philadelphia’s airways. But alas, the resourceful McNabb found an ally in the evilwarlord Andy Reid, and our hero was forced to retreat from the scene until re-emerging in Dallas, where his most dangerous enemy of all awaited him.
In an episode reminiscent of Superman’s battle with the twisted reverse-image of himself known as Bizarro Superman, Owens was attacked in a manner that questioned his very existence as a hero.
T.O., writing in the first person in his new comic(al) book, recalled the super-speed with which he came back from a fractured leg in 2004, culminating in his appearance in the aptly named Super Bowl. He proclaimed his feat of extraordinary strength and endurance to be — if you’ll forgive me for saying so — nothing short of heroic.
Of course, none of his legions of adoring fans, nor his fellow heroes in the Hall of Justice, would ever demand forgiveness for merely declaring the obvious. But out of nowhere, Bizarro T.O. swooped in and tried to tear the glory from the arms of our hero!
“‘Heroic’ was one of the words that Jason used!” thundered Bizarro T.O., referring to T.O.’s Boy Wonder sidekick, co-author Jason Rosenhaus. “I can’t say that I called it ‘heroic.’”
The assembled crowd of stunned T.O. fans, some wearing their authentic red and gold, green or blue and silver T.O. capes, slowly turned to their hero for answers.
His Super Ego threatened, T.O. rose to the challenge of Bizarro T.O., pointing out that the book’s second page clearly states, “These are my words, straight from me to you!”
The crowd gasped, clearly taken aback by the impending clash of these two titans.
The ferocity of the subsequent staredown between the two super entities cannot be described in words for mortal minds to comprehend. However, let it be known by all that when the earth moves and the ground quakes in the weeks and months to come, natural forces will not be to blame. For the fault line that will threaten our planet will be forged in the American Southwest…and it will be the supernatural colliding forces of evil and good, of T.O. and Bizarro T.O. … that will chart the course of human history to come.
In our next issue: T.O. and Bizarro T.O. fight to the finish to determine who can do more Super Sit-Ups in a 30 minute driveway press conference! Don’t miss it!
Sports personality Bob Frantz is a regular contributor to The Examiner.
E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.