Matt Breida, pictured center in 2017, had a big day running the ball for the San Francisco 49ers in the 2018 home opener. (Mike Siegel/Seattle Times/TNS)

Matt Breida, pictured center in 2017, had a big day running the ball for the San Francisco 49ers in the 2018 home opener. (Mike Siegel/Seattle Times/TNS)

Paging C.J. Beathard: Your first-team snaps are ready!

In two games with Tryin’ Brian Hoyer at the controls, the Santa Clara offense has accounted for zero touchdowns in 21 possessions.

OK, let’s try that again: Zero (0) touchdowns, 21 possessions.

According to Balls’ Department of Information and Analytics, Santa Clara is on pace to become the first NFL team to score zero (0) touchdowns in a regular season.

Balls gets it. The goal is to show some improvement and lose enough games to secure a high draft pick at the same time. Better to do it with guys who may have a future, not a 31-year-old never-was who has passed for 292 yards and been sacked a half-dozen times in two games.

So isn’t it time for rookie C.J. Beathard to take some snaps with the first unit?

There was no such talk out of coach Kyle Shanahan after a 12-9 loss against the Seahawks in Seattle on Sunday, only “I think [Hoyer] looked like he struggled out there.”

Uh, ya think, coach?

New slogan for your 2017 Santa Clarabells — Embrace The Suck!

Fact is, there’s no need for defenses to fear the long ball when Hoyer is on the field. No more than three guys line up deep on most plays and at least one more moves closer to the line of scrimmage. That makes it more difficult to complete shorter ones, which explains his pathetic 4.7 yards per pass attempt.

Oh, and Hoyer can’t play the But-We-Couldn’t-Run-The-Ball card, either.

Backs Carlos Hyde and rookie Matt Breida gained 159 yards in 19 tries. That’s 8.4 yards per pop, girls and boys. If you know why their numbers weren’t called more often, please write this newspaper in care of Balls.

Worse yet, Hoyer has a blind spot in the middle of the field, never a good thing for a quarterback.

In the first quarter, Santa Clara trailed 3-0 and had the ball on its 39-yard line. On first down, Hoyer thought he had looked off the defender. But nooooo, he guessed wrong again. Bobby Wagner baited him into an interception just like Carolina Panthers linebacker Luke Kuechly one week earlier.

The Seahawks responded with a field goal, and three points might as well been 33 in a taffy-pull like this one.

Worse yet, Hoyer displays no confidence. That kind of thing can be contagious, especially on teams with a bunch of younger, less experienced players.

“I have to execute,” Captain Obvious said. “For me, I’m looking at myself right now. What can I do to help this team win?”

How ’bout hold a clipboard and try to look important on the sideline?

It’s too late to change QBs this week, what with a Thursday game on short rest. But it’s not too late for Shanahan and general manager John Lynch to send a message that jobs will be earned, not handed out to guys who suck up the best.

Because if Hoyer can’t get it done against an improved-but-beatable Los Angeles Rams team, it’s time to re-arrange some deck chairs.

JUST ASKIN’: Is former 49er and current television analyst Jeff Garcia the best quarterback at Levi’s Stadium these days?

KAPUETTE, GENTILLE KAPUETTE: Colin Kaepernick told the New York Daily News that he’s fit to play, and Balls has the perfect place for him.

Helllooooo, Montreal?!

The Alouettes of the Canadian Football League reportedly acquired the rights to Kaepernick from the Hamilton Tiger-Cats, who had Johnny Manziel in their sights instead. Kaepenick could thrive on and off the field north of the border what with its larger fields and more liberal ways, it says here. As its second-largest city, Montreal would be ideal for him and the league from a marketing standpoint.

JUST SAYIN’: Seems that the Raiders’ Marshawn Lynch bruised the New York Jets’ feelings on when he got jiggy wit’ it late in the 45-20 rout on Sunday. Sorry, chumps, any team that tanks for draft purposes doesn’t deserve respect.

Switch-whiffer Pablo Sandoval actually hit a home run from the right side in the same game. Yep, that settles it. We can scratch Opening Day third baseman off the list.

WHERE HAVE YOU GONE … Skeeter and Matt Duffy?

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