New Year’s resolutions for 2007

Now that the excitement … zzzzzz … of the Emerald Bowl … zzzzzz … has worn off … zzzzzz … it’s time to get to the altruistic work of compiling New Year’s resolutions on the behalf of some of our favorite — and not so favorite — sports figures.

These will be tough habits to kick, no doubt. Or, as the case may be, tough habits to embrace. But for the sake of fans everywhere, the following stars need to make the following vows:

Brian Sabean: You’ve got two. One is to go a full calendar year without signing anyone older than 28. The other is to develop a position player through the farm system; the drought must end.

Barry Bonds: Sign the damn thing. Uncle. You’re stealing as it is.

Felipe Alou: Stop laughing at Bruce Bochy. You got fooled into thinking you could handle it once, too.

Al Davis: You’ve got two, too. One is to draft Troy Smith, even if Brady Quinn is available. Like Vince Young, Ohio State’s quarterback has the versatile game and personality to change everything quickly. The other is to resist the temptation to trade Randy Moss. You won’t get anything close to value in return. And playing with a guy like Smith — as long as Art Shell isn’t the coach — will restore his joy for the game.

Robert Gallery: Block someone. Seriously, it’s your job. Time to start doing it, meat. And cut that hair. Only good players get to be different.

Mike Nolan: Wear the suit and pay the fines. Every single week.

Antonio Bryant: Hire a full-time chauffer. You, too, Esteban Loaiza. Just eliminate the temptation and potential organizational embarrassment altogether.

Mike Dunleavy: Lose that ridiculous headband. Better yet, return it to Dora the Explorer. It works for her.

Don Nelson: Get some sleep. Love your coaching style, but just looking at you makes people tired.

Billy Beane: Leave your manager alone. Sure, Bob Geren is your buddy and he’s new to the gig, and we all know how smart you are. But he has a brain, too. So wish him good luck in March and stay out of his office until at least June.

Tiger Woods: Say something colorful every now and then. And no, the occasional blue streak that comes after a pushed/blocked drive doesn’t count. You’re the most dynamic and dominant golfer in history, yet all we know about you is that you’re better than everyone else by a mile. To hell with your sponsors. Drop the vanilla PR-speak and let us in.

And finally, here’s one for you, Terrell Owens: See above, and do the exact opposite. In fact, hire Tiger’s PR people. We know far too much already.

Mychael Urban is the author of “Aces: The Last Season On The Mound With The Oakland A’s Big Three — Tim Hudson, Mark Mulder and Barry Zito” and a writer for www.MLB.com.

Other Sportssports

If you find our journalism valuable and relevant, please consider joining our Examiner membership program.
Find out more at www.sfexaminer.com/join/

Just Posted

An empty space where a Shared Spaces parklet once stood outside Aquitaine Wine Bistro on Church Street on Wednesday, June 23, 2021. The parklet was recently destroyed in a car crash. (Kevin N. Hume/The Examiner)
Cars and parklets don’t mix: SF searches for solutions in wake of accidents

Andrew Fidelman got the call in the middle of the night from… Continue reading

Supervisor Dean Preston speaks about rent relief at a meeting of Faith in Action, a nonprofit serving low-income residents. <ins>(Kevin N. Hume/The Examiner)</ins>
How to apply for post-pandemic rent relief in San Francisco and California

Reyna Aguilar has amassed $20,000 in rent debt since losing her restaurant… Continue reading

Transit-only lanes on Mission Street have reduced travel times by 20 percent during the pandemic, transit officials say. <ins>(Kevin N. Hume/The Examiner)</ins>
Pandemic experiments morph into long-term solutions for SF transit agency

The streets of San Francisco became real-time laboratories for The City’s public… Continue reading

NO CONNECTION TO SERVER:
Unable to connect to GPS server ‘blackpress.newsengin.com’
Debate reignites over San Francisco’s first public bank

Prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, momentum was building for San Francisco to… Continue reading

Owners of Levi’s Plaza on The Embarcadero say gas boilers on the property will be replaced by electric and solar sources in the next few years. (Shutterstock)
Big plans for clean power at Levi’s Plaza

Transition to net zero carbon in step with S.F.’s environmental goals

Most Read