This will be me, probably, in no time if cheating professional athletes would just send me their steroids. (Courtesy photo)

Juice up your investment portfolio with GuineaPig

Reigning batting champion Dee Gordon joined the growing list of major leaguers affected by the new drug policy late Thursday night.

Gordon was suspended 80 games, but remains a savvy cost-benefit analyzer as he’ll bank the majority of the five-year, $50 million extension signed in January.

He said on Friday that exogenous testosterone and clostebol ended up in his body without his knowing. Blue Jays first baseman Chris Colabello told Sportsnet that he’s launched his own extensive search to find the product that made him pee dirty. (Like O.J. Simpson hunting for the killers on golf courses throughout Southern California, Colabello said he examined his dogs’ products and new shampoos.) Tennis “superstar” Maria Sharapova also played dumb when asked how she had an offending substance in her system earlier this year.

I’m starting to sense a trend, and where there are trends, there are business opportunities.

So any cheating athletes can take solace as I’ll soon be incorporating my new business: GuineaPig. (It needs a dumb name. It is a San Francisco startup, after all.)

We Test It Before You’re Tested.

The model is simple. No one cares if my workforce of tech bros and I take PEDs. You (the professional athlete) are unsure of the constitution of a substance and if it has offending compounds. So before you place it in the temple that is your body, allow us to place it in the dumpster heaps that are ours. We’ll then provide you with a full report within 10 business days.

It’s a win-win for everyone involved. You won’t have to give any embarrassing press conferences in which you feign ignorance and fake contrition. We can intensify our workouts, get in the best shape of our lives and be able to afford to live here due to your generous patronage.

(Also, who in S.F. doesn’t want more juiced up tech bros roaming the streets?)

Just a small portion of your ill-gotten riches could save you a yearlong ban or worse.

Do the right thing, invest in GuineaPig today.

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