This will be me, probably, in no time if cheating professional athletes would just send me their steroids. (Courtesy photo)

This will be me, probably, in no time if cheating professional athletes would just send me their steroids. (Courtesy photo)

Juice up your investment portfolio with GuineaPig

Reigning batting champion Dee Gordon joined the growing list of major leaguers affected by the new drug policy late Thursday night.

Gordon was suspended 80 games, but remains a savvy cost-benefit analyzer as he’ll bank the majority of the five-year, $50 million extension signed in January.

He said on Friday that exogenous testosterone and clostebol ended up in his body without his knowing. Blue Jays first baseman Chris Colabello told Sportsnet that he’s launched his own extensive search to find the product that made him pee dirty. (Like O.J. Simpson hunting for the killers on golf courses throughout Southern California, Colabello said he examined his dogs’ products and new shampoos.) Tennis “superstar” Maria Sharapova also played dumb when asked how she had an offending substance in her system earlier this year.

I’m starting to sense a trend, and where there are trends, there are business opportunities.

So any cheating athletes can take solace as I’ll soon be incorporating my new business: GuineaPig. (It needs a dumb name. It is a San Francisco startup, after all.)

We Test It Before You’re Tested.

The model is simple. No one cares if my workforce of tech bros and I take PEDs. You (the professional athlete) are unsure of the constitution of a substance and if it has offending compounds. So before you place it in the temple that is your body, allow us to place it in the dumpster heaps that are ours. We’ll then provide you with a full report within 10 business days.

It’s a win-win for everyone involved. You won’t have to give any embarrassing press conferences in which you feign ignorance and fake contrition. We can intensify our workouts, get in the best shape of our lives and be able to afford to live here due to your generous patronage.

(Also, who in S.F. doesn’t want more juiced up tech bros roaming the streets?)

Just a small portion of your ill-gotten riches could save you a yearlong ban or worse.

Do the right thing, invest in GuineaPig today.

Dee Gordonjacob c. palmerMaria SharapovaMiami MarlinsOJ SimpsonSan Francisco GiantsToronto Blue Jays

If you find our journalism valuable and relevant, please consider joining our Examiner membership program.
Find out more at www.sfexaminer.com/join/

Just Posted

Giants second baseman Donovan Solano scores on a double in the seventh inning against the Dodgers at Oracle Park on July 29. (Chris Victorio/Special to The Examiner)
Will the Giants make the playoffs? Kris Bryant may be the answer

By Chris Haft Special to The Examiner You’d be hard-pressed to find… Continue reading

Tiffany Carter, owner of Boug Cali West Coast Creole Shack in San Francisco’s La Cocina Marketplace, was dismayed by gentrification she found when she returned to her hometown to start a business. (Kevin N. Hume/The Examiner)
SF Black Wallstreet: Helping residents build wealth, reclaim spaces they’ve had to leave

Tiffany Carter moved back to her hometown of San Francisco five years… Continue reading

A prescribed fire at Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Parks was conducted in June 2016 to reduce hazardous fuel loading, increase watershed health, and restore the natural fire cycle in the Redwood Canyon area ecosystem. (Photo courtesy Rebecca Paterson/National Park Service)
Experts, UC scientists discuss wildfires in the state’s riskiest regions

Wildfires are nothing new in California’s history, but the magnitude and frequencies… Continue reading

Fourth-grade students at Lucerne Valley Elementary School don masks and Western wear for a “Walk Through California” history day during in-person instruction. (Courtesy of Krystal Nelson)
Confusion over mask mandate for California schools sparks tension between districts and parents

By Diana Lambert EdSource Shifting rules around mask mandates at schools are… Continue reading

In his extensive filming of The City during the pandemic, Eric Goodfield said he has been “observing how the environment affects the behavior of people.” (Kevin N. Hume/The Examiner)
Filmmaker Eric Goodfield fixes lens on SF’s COVID days

140 days of shooting in The City made for ‘greatest adventure’

Most Read