With the dawn of a new year upon us, and bold thoughts of losing weight, quitting smoking and finding new jobs filling our own heads, I now offer the following New Years’ resolutions on behalfof some of our favorite sports figures for 2007:
Isiah Thomas: To secure a job with the WWE as a manager, where ordering your guys to go out and assault their opponents is actually part of the job description.
Barry Zito: To gain 25 lbs. of muscle before reporting to the Giants, to avoid being sucked in by the gravitational pull of Barry Bonds’ planet-sized head.
Barry Bonds: To retire to a golf resort in Miami where he can join O.J. Simpson in a search for the “real” steroid abusers.
LeBron James: To find a wingman to even the playing field with D-Wade and ’Melo, both of whom have their Shaqs and their Answers alongside them.
Carmelo Anthony: To develop a left jab to go with his overhand right and his patented sissy-backpedal.
Art Shell: To not rest until he finds the right hardware store owner to return the Raiders’ offense to glory.
Mike Tyson: To tattoo the rest of his body … this time with permanent horizontal prison stripes, so even if he’s free we’ll never forget who he is.
LaDainian Tomlinson: To spend the off-season conducting seminars for wayward touchdown scorers on how to act like a professional … over and over again.
Sean Payton: To rebuild the city’s infrastructure, reinvigorate the city’s economy, and devise an effective hurricane evacuation plan … when he takes over as mayor of New Orleans in a recall election.
Vince Young: To laugh hysterically while burning a truckload of Wonderlic tests before coaches, scouts, and draft prospects at the NFL scouting combine.
Mario Williams: To spend some time with Sam Bowie … learning how to cope with his place in draft blunder history.
Danica Patrick: To win at least one race … before the inevitable Playboy photo-shoot hits news stands.
Tiki Barber: To call Earl Campbell once a month to remind himself he made the right decision by walking away … while he could still walk.
Tiger Woods: To have his yet-to-be born infant son rolling in 5-footers by November.
Urban Meyer: To teach young Barack Obama how an effective campaign is supposed to be run.
Roger Federer: To throw at least one McEnroe-ian temper tantrum per month until someone notices that he’s the greatest men’s tennis player who ever lived.
Kobe Bryant: To find a way to take every single shot the Lakers attempt during at least one NBA game, outscoring an opposing team by himself.
Terrell Owens: To complete the mission to drive Bill Parcells clinically insane so that Jerry Jones will do what he should have done in the first place: Name me head coach.
Bill Parcells: To return to the television studio with his tail between his legs — as a member of the same media he ridiculed during every coach’s press conference.
Scott Boras: To spend some of his Daisuke Matzuzaka and Barry Zito money on a shiny new set of horns and a diamond-encrusted pitchfork.
And me? In 2007, I resolve to write at least 51 more condescending and bitter (yet funny and whimsical!) columns with which you may line your bird cage, train your puppy, or practice your origami. Happy New Year to us…
Sports personality Bob Frantz is a regular contributor to The Examiner. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.