We checked with all reliable sources — FBI, CIA, Interpol, Wikipedia — and Jim Tomsula definitely is not a cyborg created by Jed York and Trent Baalke inside a Levi's Stadium tech lab. He really, truly is a legitimate football coach who will be top dog of the 49ers, regardless that no one in a random, 10-person poll in Hayes Valley answered accurately when asked, “What does Jim Tomsula do for a living?”
Some things you should know about The Cardboard Cutout Who Replaced Jim Harbaugh:
n Age: 46
n Hometown: Pittsburgh
n Mustache: Cut it off. Now. Before the porn references start.
n College: Catwaba, Salisbury, N.C., where he may or may not be a bigger alum than MMA fighter Tara LaRosa.
n Only head-coaching experience: Rhein Fire, NFL Europe, 2006 (6-4 record); 49ers interim coach, 2010 (1-0 record).
n Other NFL Europe coaching stops: England Monarchs, Scottish Claymores, Berlin Thunder.
n Odd jobs between football gigs: Medical equipment sales rep, Thera-Kinetics; sales rep, Sysco Foods.
n Staff assistants with NFL head-coaching experience who might replace him when 49ers start 2-10: tight ends coach Tony Sparano, defensive coordinator Eric Mangini.
n Typical Tomsula-speak: “[Colin Kaepernick] is a real good dude. He's a neat cat.”
n Former NFL coach whose career he might channel: Dave Wannstedt, who went 82-87 in 11 seasons.
HERE'S THEIR DADDIES
Sensational as Klay Thompson has been for the Warriors, right down to his 37-point third quarter eruption, there is little doubt that Stephen Curry is the more accomplished Splash Brother — MVP résumé, heavy-rotation TV commercials, meeting with President Barack Obama. But who is the better Splash Daddy? That is the question. Steph's father, Dell, played 16 NBA seasons as a shooting guard for five teams. Klay's father, Mychal, played 13 NBA seasons as a power forward-center for three teams. The winner? Mychal Thompson.
Their regular-season numbers:
Minutes per game: 21.7
Points per game: 11.7
Rebounds per game: 2.4
Assists per game: 1.8
Win shares per 48 minutes: .085
NBA championships: 0
Minutes per game: 29.7
Points per game: 13.7
Rebounds per game: 7.4
Assists per game: 2.3
Win shares per 48 minutes: .102
NBA championships: 2
Few teams in sports are more maddening than the San Jose Sharks. Since making consecutive trips to the NHL's Western Conference finals, they've regressed with a collective 8-15 record the last three postseasons. The window of opportunity, one might say, is shut and bolt-locked, and it's time for Hasso Plattner to realize he owns the team and figure out why Doug Wilson is still the general manager, and Todd McLellan is still the coach.
Sharks' postseason performance under McLelland:
SEASON RECORD RESULT
2008-09 2-4 Lost in quarterfinals
2009-10 8-7 Lost in conference finals
2010-11 9-9 Lost in conference finals
2011-12 1-4 Lost in quarterfinals
2012-13 4-7 Lost in semifinals
2013-14 3-4 Lost in quarterfinals
2014-15 — Likely to miss playoffs
DRIVE A USED CARR OR BUY A NEW MARIOTA?
Derek Carr is a keeper, goes the thinking, after a decent rookie season as the Raiders' starting quarterback. But armed with the No. 4 pick in the upcoming draft, the Silver and Black should at least consider upgrading the most vital position on any NFL roster — and arguably in team sports — via Heisman Trophy winner Marcus Mariota. Should Mariota be available, the yells to select him will be louder than the Black Hole on a collective bender.
To feed the conjecture, here are some numbers to consider, realizing the comparison of the Oakland offense with Oregon's high-octane college offense isn't entirely fair:
Derek Carr Marcus Mariota
2014 Raiders 2014 Oregon
3,270 Pass yards 4,454
5.5 Yards per attempt 10.01
58.1 Completion pct. 68.3
0.20 Interception pct. 0.09
21 Pass TDs 42
92 Rush yards 770
3.2 Yards per att. 5.7
0 Rush TDs 15