San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick (7) plays in the fourth quarter against the Los Angeles Rams at Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif., on September 12, 2016. (Stan Olszewski/Special to S.F. Examiner)

Earth to Planet Baalke: Why is Kap still here?

Balls needs help. And, no, it’s not what you’re thinkin’.

Can somebody kindly explain why Colin Kaepernick is still a member of your last-place Santa Clara Phony-Niners?

As usual, it was crickets before the NFL trade deadline earlier this week. In the 49ers’ case, though, the silence wasn’t the result of disinterest around the league. Several teams inquired about veterans Torrey Smith and Joe Staley, in particular. According to multiple reports, general manager Trent Baalke asked for a ridiculous price, the kind of exorbitant trade demands that have marked his reign of error.

True, Kaepernick didn’t help his trade value in two games as a starter. But in a league that had so little experience at the position, there had to be an organization desperate enough to offer at least a seventh-round draft pick.

If the New York Jets didn’t call Baalke, then Clueless Trent darn well should have called them.

When Jets backup Geno Smith blew out his ACL two weeks ago, Baalke had a gift-wrapped excuse to ship Kaepernick to New York. That’s where Kaepernick and his girlfriend want to be, anyway, the reason why they requested a trade last summer. The Jets could have taken an extended look at him as a possible replacement for turnover machine Ryan Fitzpatrick, who won’t be back next season.

How ‘bout the Bears then?

Word out of Chicago is that coach John Fox has had it with Jay Cutler finally. Kaepernick could have been brought in for an audition, what with the Bears out the playoff chase already. Wouldn’t they have offered at least a box of balls in return? Maybe defense coordinator Vic Fangio could put in a good word for the guy. Or not.

But nooooo. At a time when coach Chip Kelly should be grooming a backup QB for next season, Kaepernick will continue to stink up Levi’s Stadium, where he’ll run around like his pants are on fire while he boycotts the national anthem, the No. 1 reason why fans have tuned out the NFL in massive numbers this season, according to a recent Yahoo Sports survey.

Somebody? Anybody? Pleeeeeze?

JUST ASKIN’: Wouldn’t it be just like Kaepernick to have a great game against the crummy New Orleans Saints’ defense this weekend and wreck his team’s chances for the No. 1 pick in the draft?

START HIM: Anyone who thinks NFL stands for No Fun League doesn’t know Denver Broncos sack master Von Miller, who will be wreakin’ havoc against the Raiders on Sunday.

If there’s a funner, wackier, more upbeat jock than Miller in professional sports, then Balls would like to have an adult beverage with him. The guy is addicted to roller coasters, orange soda and the National Geographic Channel. He breeds happy chickens in his spare time, because the way he figures it, they’re more productive that way.

Miller signed a $114.5-million contract before the season, but he’s a pleaser, not a teaser. Last spring, he picked up nearly the entire weekend tab for teammate Brandon McManus at Peyton Manning’s retirement party. McManus is a placekicker, for goshsakes. A kicker!

In the next few days, Miller will auction off his souped-up Ford truck to raise money for Von’s Vision, which provides eye exams and glasses to kids in low-income families.

Miller also loves to dance. The crazier, the better. Balls can’t get his ultra cool Madden 17 commercial out of its head lately, and if the Raiders allow him to shimmy and shake in their backfield, they’re in for a long afternoon.

JUST SAYIN’: The Chicago Cubs have done boffo television ratings this postseason. Bet Fox Sports wants them to lose Game 7 of the World Series so it can shamelessly sell the woe-are-them theme again next fall.

If Warriors coach Steve Kerr has a fair bone in his body, then he’ll loan his Coach of the Year Award to Lakers counterpart Luke Walton when their teams meet in Los Angeles on Friday.

Cheatin’ Tom Brady shouldn’t be eligible for NFL Most Valuable Player honors. Sorry, kids, there’s no value in a four-game suspension.

Fourth-ranked Washington will visit Cal this weekend, but never mind that. It’s the Marshawn Lynch Injury Cart bobblehead giveaway that everyone wants to see.

THE LIST: Can’t-miss picks against the spread in Week 9 of the NFL season …

Buffalo Bills (+7) at Seattle Seahawks.

Carolina Panthers at Los Angeles Rams (+3 1/2).

Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings (-6).

Last week: 1-2. Season: 10-14 (.417).

YOUR TURN: “Anywhere Kaepernick goes now, he brings toxic stuff that no franchise wants to deal with. When he first came up, he had some success. All smiles and fun. But when he lost, he became a zombie with one- or two-word answers with those stupid earphones around his neck. Now he’s embarrassing 49ers’ ownership with the anthem thing, and I think, doesn’t the guy have any advisors?” — Edward Akers, Outer Sunset

WHERE HAVE YOU GONE …: Jed York?

Got an opinion? A gripe? A compliment? A compliment?! Send them to pladd@aol.com, and who knows, you may get your name in the paper before long.

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