San Francisco, you have been here before.
The Giants, your Giants, have won their third World Series title in the past five baseball seasons. That means many things to many people — and it also means there will be a parade down Market Street today.
Market Street has the widest sidewalks in the whole city — except, maybe, the Civic Center area, but who's measuring these things anyway? Still, the thoroughfare is going to be packed in tight for the event. Side streets will be too. Anyone who attended the parades in 2010 and 2012 knows this.
So, before you slog into The City by boat, car, public transit, helicopter or water bike for the grand culmination of a terrific Giants season, take a few minutes to study up on parade etiquette. Trust me on this one. The World Series parade is a civic event and civility should rule the day — you already had your chance to light a couch on fire in the middle of Mission Street.
Get to The City early
The parade begins at noon, but some people are crazy enough to start lining the route the night before. I admire dedication, but I also admire courteous behavior. Dedication does not entitle you to anything special. You are occupying public space, which means you have no greater right to it than the person standing next to you, behind you, in front of you or on top of you. Which brings me to the next point …
Share your air space
We don't have an app for this — and I'm sure we'd violate yet-to-be written regulations if we launched one — but the parade is a true example of the sharing economy. If you don't get a good spot, it can be very difficult to see the action. But hey, you and everyone else are here for the exact same reason. Be NICE! Once you do find your spot, the key is to keep your feet on the ground. This seems to be extremely difficult for some people. Standing on chairs, newspaper boxes, light poles and most of all coolers is a really lame way to treat your fellow fans. You're basically acting like a spoiled brat — “My enjoyment of this is more important than yours, Granny.” We are here to see the action rolling down Market Street, not the backside of a total stranger.
Marijuana remains an illegal drug in California
Shocking, right? On most days in San Francisco, you would think the opposite — that marijuana is not only very legal, it is something that must be consumed in a crowded public place. Go to any busy part of The City at any hour of the day and you have a 99 percent chance of smelling burned weed in the air. So, before you spin up that blunt, consider that the family you are standing next to, with their 4-year-old boy wearing a Panda hat and MadBum-style cowboy boots, is much more interested in seeing the World Series MVP in a fake cable car than you hacking up a lung.
Ditto on alcohol
People, this is a World Series parade. Again, you had your chance to be blackout drunk, half-naked and lighting things on fire in the street Wednesday night. Now it's time to be a member of society. It's also going to be noon when this thing starts rolling. Happy hour will be waiting for you when it's all said and done.
The street is not a bathroom
What?!? You don't say. Another reason not to drink.
Avoid wardrobe malfunctions
Sorry, Kansas City fans, your team put up a great fight but did not win the World Series. Sorry, Los Angeles fans, your team put up no fight and definitely did not win the World Series. If you plan to rain on the parade — and you might not have to, since it is forecast to rain — by wearing a Royals T-shirt or jersey, just don't. It's the epitome of tacky. Watch as you will be the only one amused. And if you have the slightest idea of showing up in Los Angeles Dodgers gear, there is plenty of room in county lockup for you — our jails are running low right now.
There, that was not so hard
Now go enjoy yourself, this might not happen for another two years. Yes! Yes! Yes!