A little of this, and a lot of that …
» One question for the voters who determine the NCAA’s Top 25: Did you know in advance that tiny Appalachian State would beat mighty Michigan, decisively, on their home field to start the season? No? You say you had no idea the Wolverines would be that bad until you actually saw them play? Then I have one suggestion for you: STOP RANKING TEAMS BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY SEE THEM PLAY!
If ever an argument existed to stop the insanely idiotic tradition of ranking the top 25 teams in the preseason, then this is it. The first poll, which goes a long way, mind you, toward determining who plays in the BCS games at the end of the season, including the national championship game, should NEVER be released until every team in Division 1-A has played at least three games. Then, and only then, will the coaches’ and media polls mean anything.
» You’ve gotta hand it to David Beckham. The global soccer icon who conned the Los Angeles Galatians (or something like that) out of $250 million is done for the season after appearing in six games. His guaranteed salary, before bonuses and endorsements, of $6.5 million this year means that he earned a tidy $20,967.74 for each of the 310 minutes he spent on the field introducing legions of new American fans to the boredom of soccer this year.
Ticket sales for games in which Beckham has been scheduled to play have skyrocketed in host cities. Curiously, the suicide rate in those towns has shown parallel growth.
» Let me get this straight: Rodney Harrison, a Pro Bowl strong safety and catalyst on a dominating New England Patriots’ defense, uses HGH and is suspended for four games by the NFL … while a 48-year-old assistant coach with the Dallas Cowboys, Wade Wilson, uses the same HGH and gets a five-game ban? Along with a $100,000 fine? Well done, Commissioner Goodell — those chemically-enhanced quarterbacks coaches are surely a greater threat to the integrity of the game than the juiced-up athletes who actually participate in them.
What, exactly, is the league afraid of anyway? That a coach might have bigger guns than the QB he’s coaching? That he might snap a dry erase marker in half when diagramming plays?
» In the time you’ve spent reading this column, Travis Henry has fathered four more children.
» Michael Vick wants you to know that his brutal torture and killing of dogs was “immature” of him. Sources say he also believes that the murder of O.J. Simpson’s wife and friend was “very juvenile” and “sophomoric”.
» Official game statistics show that Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs sacked Browns’ quarterback Charlie Frye once in Thursday’s final preseason game. Briggs denied the report through Bears’ officials, claiming that someone stole his uniform in the hours before thegame and crashed into Frye without his knowledge. Illinois state police are investigating.
» In case you didn’t hear it, Ozzie Guillen just cursed at you.
» Asked about the performance of the USA basketball team in Las Vegas, Miss Teen South Carolina released the following statement: “Personally, I believe the U.S. American basketball guys…should help the U.S., I mean the Iraq…such as…by beating South Africa…and feeding them our children. Thank you.”
Sports personality Bob Frantz is a regular contributor to The Examiner. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.