Everything is the worst right now, so this week I just wrote 14 jokes …
1. Like the bread at Tartine, all my jokes are made on the premises. (Obviously, not the punchlines.) #wordplay
2. The Ohio State Legislature just passed a restrictive bill to ban abortion after six weeks of pregnancy. Life expectancy in Ohio is 38th in the nation, so it’s the equivalent of 23 weeks in California.
3. The right is outraged at liberal support for what they call “abortion on demand.” Of course abortion should be on demand, like Instacart and Netflix. How are women supposed to get abortions without demanding them? Knowing glances? Bandana codes? Craigslist missed connection with Planned Parenthood?
4. Ohio’s so-called “Heartbeat Bill” bans abortion after a heartbeat is detectable, which means that, technically, Donald Trump could be aborted today.
5. If Ohio Gov. John Kasich signs the bill, it will embarrass everyone who thought he was the “reasonable Republican presidential nominee.” But being the “reasonable Republican presidential nominee” is like being the tall smurf.
6. Twitter was the only tech company that agreed not to help the Trump Administration create a Muslim registry. Actually, no one bothered to ask Myspace. They may still keep Mohammed in their “Top 8.”
7. “Muslim registry” sounds like a bridal registry. You could go to Macy’s to get Muslims things they need, like stemware, hand towels and a Palestinian state.
8. Facebook blocked the “BS Detector” plugin that would flag unreliable news sources as such. Of course, Facebook isn’t in the business of promoting truth. It claims I have more than 3,300 “friends.”
9. The Planning Commission approved a nine-story affordable housing development for seniors on Shotwell. Some North Bernal homeowners objected to their view of an abandoned Hollywood Video store being blocked by a view of old people.
10. Meanwhile, across town, a proposal to build 150 units of affordable senior housing on Laguna Honda Boulevard is opposed by Forest Hills neighbors who don’t want their neighborhood character threatened by a bunch of low-income senior citizens wandering around. They’ll be pretty shocked when they discover that there are almost 800 low-income senior citizens already living across the street at Laguna Honda Hospital.
11. Fidel Castro died after defying the United States for almost 60 years. Many Americans don’t understand why he’s such an icon for oppressed people. He survived 638 attempts by the U.S. government to kill him, which he has in common with all living African-Americans.
12. Castro is often described in the U.S. as a “brutal dictator,” but Americans forget that dictators are graded on a curve. He’s an A+ brutal dictator compared to Justin Trudeau. He’s a subpar D+ brutal dictator compared to just about any other Latin American dictator. Compared to the alleged American president-elect and his tweet-incited hatemobs, it’s a toss-up.
13. To put the Cuban revolution in perspective, Castro overthrew his government when he was 33 years old. Today, American millennials are more open to socialism and more skeptical of capitalism than their parents. College debt discourages young American revolutionaries. Free City College in San Francisco supports young people to build the movements to solve the problems we created for them. They already have the beards.
14. Recently, I was driving down Fell with my kids. When we passed Pierce, one of my kids noticed the sign for Frederick Douglass Plaza.
The 8-year-old: “Who was Frederick Douglass?”
Me: “In the 1800s, he was a slave who ran away and then worked to end slavery. He famously said, ‘If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom and yet deprecate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground, they want rain without thunder and lightening. Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will.”
“Daddy, the only thing I don’t understand is the words you just said.”
Nato Green is a San Francisco based standup comedian and writer, who will be headlining the Punch Line Comedy Club with Janine Brito on Wednesday, Dec. 28.