Dear Super Bowl visitors,
If you are visiting San Francisco for the Super Bowl festivities, welcome! We hope you have a great time and savor the best Frisco has to offer.
Here’s a brief orientation to help you understand what you may encounter here:
Stay inside designated VIP checkpoint zones. Don’t explore the neighborhoods. There have been unfortunate rumors about unsuspecting visitors’ organs ending up sous vide at Coi, which has two Michelin stars.
Our mayor, Ed Lee, is so enthusiastic about hosting Super Bowl 50 that he decided to spend millions of dollars of taxpayer money on services without a contract, based only on a presentation on an iPad mini (good product placement) from Nathan Ballard, the current representative for the Super Bowl Host Committee who was the spokesman for the former mayor, who was the boss of the current mayor. We don’t need legally binding contracts when everyone can trust each other.
You can feel completely safe. Our police are the best in the country. In fact, of the 37 people killed by the San Francisco Police Department since 2000, not one involved an inappropriate use of force. And none of the 250 complaints of racial bias to the Office of Citizens Complaints were found to have merit. Our boys in blue have a perfect score!
Law enforcement is bracing for an increase in sex trafficking during the Super Bowl. Remember that Enrique Pearce, political consultant for the mayor, currently faces charges for child pornography. Skeptics would ask why a mayor would knowingly cause an increase in sex trafficking in his city, but he’s just delivering what his supporters want.
You may have read alarming stories about San Francisco’s homeless problem. It’s tragic there are more than 6,000 people in San Francisco living on the streets because of their stubborn refusal to make an all-cash offer on a condo or invent a simple startup app idea. Some of the homeless struggle with mental illness and addiction. The City made the courageous decision to confiscate their tents and flood them in the middle of the night to drive them away from you. Mayor Lee recognizes the true victims of homelessness are the tourists and revelers who have to see it, and not homeless people themselves.
Mayor Lee wants you to enjoy The City as much as possible. Feel free to do whatever strikes your fancy, and don’t worry whether or not it’s legal. In San Francisco, the rich and powerful are allowed to break any laws, indefinitely and without consequence. In the event there is a massive public uproar that creates a political mandate to curtail said law-breaking, then — and only then — will the mayor boldly mumble through half-baked partial measures that pretend to solve the problem without actually doing so. Just ask Airbnb, Google Buses, the Academy of Art, Ellis Act evictors and the San Francisco Police Officers Association.
Mayor Lee has recently been accused of simultaneously obstructing investigations into political corruption and police misconduct, which he did, only because he was so focused on making sure you had a good time at the Super Bowl. Three no-name flunkies have been charged with collecting illegal campaign contributions and taking bribes in exchange for contracts on behalf of the mayor.
Does this mean the mayor is corrupt? Of course not!
Sure, he has some, possibly a lot, of overzealous underlings. But nobody expects to find proof he was knowingly involved in any of it. While it’s true that the 1 percent make lavish campaign contributions, it is pure coincidence that those wealthy donors happen to get plum city contracts and have unfettered access to policymakers, resulting in legislation that conforms exactly to their needs and desires. Other cities call that corruption and graft, but in San Francisco, we call it consensus and innovation.
So have a blast at the Super Bowl! Enjoy the concussions.
Also, you owe us $5 million.
Nato Green is a comedian who speaks for everyone in San Francisco and performs on the next four Saturdays at Cynic Cave. More hot takes @natogreen.