The Washington Examiner’s Completely Uninformative Alternative Guide to Election 2010

1. If you spot anybody wielding weapons and threatening passers-by at the polling place, then that means one of two things: Either (1) Obama is still president and the New Black Panther Party is at it again, or (2) Dale Peterson just lost his election to Alabama’s Agriculture Commission.

2. If you’re in Nevada and your voting machine is not working, your SEIU machine repairman is happy to cast the ballot for you.

3. If you’re in California or Kentucky, wearing any marijuana-related clothing is considered “campaigning inside a polling place.” If you are caught, you will be forcibly removed, bound, thrown into the trunk of a car, and made to worship a false god called “Jack Conway.”

4. Delaware voters: Witchcraft and other non-voting activities are not permitted in the voting booth.

5. FYI, nobody in Pennsylvania cares, Arlen. Not even while you’re wearing that ladybug costume.

6. Think about Connecticut’s Senate race this way: Whom would you rather send far away? The guy who lies about his military record and sues hotels for hosting cover bands, or the lady that somehow managed to make millions of dollars by hiring men to don leotards and fake wrestle one another? Exactly. This also explains how Chris Dodd was elected in the first place.

7. Miracles happen: For possibly the first time ever, people are actually paying attention to New Jersey, and it’s not because of MTV’s “Jersey Shore.”

8. I mean it Delaware.

9. California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman will wake up Wednesday morning and wonder what the hell she did with all that money. It’ll be just like the end of the 1990’s, except unlike most dot-com bubble CEOs, Clinton donors, and investors in the housing market, she’ll be able to take solace in the piles of cash she still has left over.

10. If you’re in New York City, yes, the rest of the country is voting today. No, you don’t have to if you don’t really want to, and, in fact, we’d much rather you didn’t.

11. My colleague David Freddoso wondered whether Rep. Barney Frank, D-Mass., was courting defeat by having failed presidential candidate Michael Dukakis campaign for him. No, my friend: It means that Barney Frank is so sure of himself that he thinks even Michael Dukakis can’t screw this up. That’s called “showing off.”

12. We all know how Sen. David Vitter, R-La., is celebrating this one.

13. Here is all you need to know about New York’s politics in one sentence: Rep. Maurice Hinchey, an incumbent Democrat running to keep his House seat, doesn’t know what a deficit is and is likely to win against a schoolteacher. You’re welcome.

14. Facing likely defeat, Pennsylvania Democratic candidate Joe Sestak is wishing he had taken that alleged job offer that President Obama allegedly didn’t send Bill Clinton to make in order to get him out of the race. Allegedly.

15. If you feel like your party has abandoned you, at least you know what it feels like to be Kendrick Meek and Charlie Crist. Or Marco Rubio when he first started his campaign!

16. By the way, what job did Clinton offer Meek?

17. Tom Tancredo will be able to spend all the time he likes patrolling the border and not running for office in Colorado. Somebody just needs to tell him that.

18. DELAWARE! We are removing that curtain. Oh wait, looks like one of the union guys already did that.

19. Chet Culver will have to move out of the governor’s mansion in Iowa, which was probably the only thing Culver ever liked about Iowa anyway. The feeling was mutual.

20. Obama admitted that there was no such thing as a shovel-ready project. Really? How about the grave for the Democratic House majority?

Barack ObamaBeltway Confidentialjoe sestakUS

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