Election night commentary is mostly about pundits and anchors stating that the election results confirm some belief that said pundit or anchor already held (see the Dougherty Doctrine for an example). Given that most non-FOX television types are liberal, and that Republicans — especially conservative Republicans — will likely have a very good night, this will be a difficult feat tomorrow. As a result, we expect the liberal talking heads to resort to a few predictable — but silly — talking points.
What better foundation for a drinking game?
Below are the liberal platitudes to explain away the election, followed by a brief explanation of why they're so silly. Any time you hear one of these platitudes, take a drink. (But if you're watching MSNBC, we recommend cutting the portions in half — and still telling your boss you won't be in before lunch on Wednesday).
RULES: Take a drink every time you hear an anchor, pundit, or other TV talking head…
- Say “Anti-incumbent.”Suggested drink: A Hurricane or a Mai Tai, local drinks of New Orleans and Hawaii, respectively — the only districts where GOP congressmen (Joe Cao and Charles Djou) are likely to fall.
- Say “temper-tantrum.” Recall this Peter Jennings gem from 1994: “Some thoughts on those angry voters. Ask parents of any two-year-old and they can tell you about those temper tantrums: the stomping feet, the rolling eyes, the screaming. It's clear that the anger controls the child and not the other way around. It's the job of the parent to teach the child to control the anger and channel it in a positive way. Imagine a nation full of uncontrolled two-year-old rage. The voters had a temper tantrum last week….Parenting and governing don't have to be dirty words: the nation can't be run by an angry two-year-old.”
Suggested drink: A Jello Shot. Two-year-olds love jello.
- Say “blind rage” Remember, rebuking Bush and throwing out Republicans was about finding our better angels. Rebuking Obama and throwing out Democrats is about blind range.
Suggested drink: Irish Whiskey
- Blame Obama for not “getting his message out” Both sides do this: if my side is losing, it must be only because we didn't communicate our ideas and plans well enough — it can't be because people didn't like what we were doing! With Obama, it's even more absurd. The man, famous for his eloquence, was constantly campaigning.
Suggested drink: spiked Slurpee
- Chalk it up to voter racism: Americans figured out a black guy was running the country, and they freaked out, deciding to “take back America” for the white guys.
Suggested drink: White Russian.
- Mention that one guy who owns a McDonalds who (possibly inappropriately) told his employees to vote Republican. Because we're sure that tipped the balance of the election.
Suggested drink: Spiked (flavorless) milkshake
- Say “secret money” Because it doesn't matter that Democrats outraised Republicans from the most politically active industries in America, including Wall Street. It doesn't matter that K Street favored Dems 2-to-1 with campaign contributions. The public-employee unions don't count as a special interest. It's just that secret Republican money that's insidious.
Suggested drink: Rum-and-Koch
- Drink for every block in which Christine O'Donnell is the most-mentioned candidate. Talking about Christine O'Donnell is very important therapy for liberals. First, it allows them to feel smarter than conservatives — O'Donnell says a lot of silly things, and is a conservative woman, both of which make her a prime target of smug liberal mockery. Also, this is a rare open seat Democrats will win. Combine those two points, and it gives liberal anchors a chance to say their favorite line: Republicans need to be moderate to win.
Suggested drink: Witch's Wit ale.
If you've got other suggestions for predictable election night spin from liberals, add them in the comments. In any event, stay hydrated and don't drive home.