Don't let the Grinches steal Christmas

Just for fun, here's a little Merry Christmas greeting from Berman and Company, delivered via email:

Santa's Workshop Closes Doors After Activists Descend on North Pole

(North Pole) — The popular toy manufacturing company Santa's Workshop closed its doors today after a flurry of criticism from enraged activists.

Santa's Workshop is best known for dropping off free toys at every house on Christmas night, a business practice supported by a wide variety of investors, including children, Whos, and talking snowmen.

“My business couldn't survive under the attacks of these killjoys,” Santa Claus, CEO of the company, said in a statement. “I continue to believe in the mission of Santa's Workshop but the time has come to close shop.”

Trouble began about a year ago when sources say AFL-CIO President Richard Troublemaker disguised himself as an elf and began collecting card check signatures to unionize the company's elven workers.

The elves were quickly unionized, even though many claimed they were never given the chance to vote.

“I thought we were just supposed to make toys all day long. I don't even know what a 'worker collective' is,” complained one elf.

“I really just want to be a dentist,” another elf confided.

Troublemaker filed a complaint with the North Pole government, accusing Santa's Workshop of discriminating against job candidates who were more than three-feet-six-inches in height. He also questioned the workload, which requires employees to manufacture iPods and Gameboys using only hammers and nails.

“This is about standing up for the North Pole's working class which is under attack by wealthy fat cats,” said Troublemaker, as he stepped off his Gulfstream jet onto a patch of arctic snow.

Public health groups have also heavily criticized Santa's Workshop for exchanging toys for Oreos, dubbing it a “cash-for-cookies” program. Nutritionists worry that Claus is setting a bad example for fat kids.

“We ran the math and concluded that Claus consumes about 470 million cookies and 105 million glasses of milk every Christmas Eve,” said one official from the Fries and Doughnuts Administration. “Unfortunately, too many Americans don't know that this is well beyond the FDA's daily recommendations.”

Despite its ability to melt ice, the FDA also banned salt at the North Pole for some reason.

The Center for Silly Public Interference (CSPI), an anti-everything tasty group, lashed out at Claus, accusing him of promoting “candy cane crack” to America's children.

“A study that I just completed found that when I lick a candy cane, I generally want to lick it again,” said CSPI President Michael Jacobs. “If this trend goes unchecked, 139 percent of America's children will be morbidly obese by 2015.”

Jacobs also filed a lawsuit in North Pole Superior Court to try to get caffeinated energy drinks banned on the job, a move that reportedly infuriated many elves.

“We have to make 1.5 billion toys out of scratch in less than a year,” said one angry worker. “How exactly are we supposed to do that without caffeine?”

Economists say that the shuttering of Santa's Workshop will be devastating to the North Pole economy, which is almost entirely dependent on Claus' business and tourism. They also point out that Santa's Workshop had a sterling reputation in comparison to other Christmas businesses, such as those of the Abominable Snowman and the Winter Warlock.

But Claus says his operation became unsustainable, especially after a representative from People for the Eccentric Treatment of Animals (PETA) showed up and started complaining about the treatment of reindeer.

“These reindeer are treated like nothing more than beasts of burden even though they're just like us,” said a PETA spokesman. “Many of them eat, drink, sleep, have feelings, fly, and speak English just like the rest of us.”

“Some studies have shown that lighted red noses on reindeer are a sign of undue stress,” he added.

And Claus said the last straw was when anti-alcohol activists infiltrated Santa's Workshop and discovered that eggnog laced with brandy was widely available onsite.

A spokesman for Misinformed Advocates to Deny Drinking (MADD) defended his group's actions against Santa's Workshop.

“If you want to drink, that's your business. But as soon as you get behind the reins of a magical, flying, reindeer-drawn sleigh, it becomes my business,” he said.

Claus reported that he exploded in anger after he went to take the sleigh for a spin earlier this month. He never got off the ground thanks to an alcohol-detection device that MADD had secretly installed on his sleigh.

“I'd had one drink of peppermint schnapps three hours before the flight!” huffed a frustrated Claus.

Asked what the activists had in mind next, Jacobs demurred and offered only a hint.

“Let's just say we're not particularly happy with certain anthropomorphic rabbits delivering baskets of fattening chocolate eggs to little children,” he said.

Beltway ConfidentialUS

If you find our journalism valuable and relevant, please consider joining our Examiner membership program.
Find out more at www.sfexaminer.com/join/

Just Posted

San Francisco Police officers speak with people while responding to a call outside a market on Leavenworth Street in the Tenderloin on Tuesday, June 22, 2021. (Kevin N. Hume/The Examiner)
SFPD makes the case for more officers, citing Walgreens video

Most of us have seen the video. It shows a man filling… Continue reading

A 14-Mission Muni bus heads down Mission Street near Yerba Buena Gardens. (Kevin N. Hume/S.F. Examiner)
Pandemic experiments morph into long-term solutions for SF transit agency

The streets of San Francisco became real-time laboratories for The City’s public… Continue reading

NO CONNECTION TO SERVER:
Unable to connect to GPS server ‘blackpress.newsengin.com’
Debate reignites over San Francisco’s first public bank

Prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, momentum was building for San Francisco to… Continue reading

Apprenticeship instructor Mike Miller, center, demonstrates how to set up a theodolite, a hyper-sensitive angle measuring device, for apprentices Daniel Rivas, left, Ivan Aguilar, right, and Quetzalcoatl Orta, far right, at the Ironworkers Local Union 377 training center in Benicia on June 10, 2021. (Courtesy Anne Wernikoff/CalMatters)
California’s affordable housing crisis: Are labor union requirements in the way?

By Manuela Tobias CalMatters California lawmakers introduced several bills this year that… Continue reading

Mayor London Breed spoke at the reopening of the San Francisco Public Library main branch on April 20. (Sebastian Miño-Bucheli/Special to The Examiner)
SF reopening more libraries through the summer

After a handful of San Francisco public libraries reopened last month for… Continue reading

Most Read