What to buy the stars on Black Friday

Ah, Black Friday. The moniker sounds more befitting to a Satanic ritual than a shopping spree … and on this day of drastic discounts, you probably get to see just as much soulless disregard for human decency. We know the stars won’t be hitting the mall along with us little people to pick up sale items today — they have assistants who do that, duh! But if we had certain celebs on our holiday gift shopping list, here’s what we’d be getting them.

Lindsay Lohan: An electronic scheduler

It seems like an awful lot of LiLo’s legal woes stem from her apparent inability to be where she’s supposed to be, on time. Maybe all the girl needs to stay out of trouble is a beep, buzz or blip to remind her she’s supposed to show up at, say, community service in an hour. As for her film career … well, we’re not sure even Santa Claus and all his elves could wrap up a fix for that.

Beyoncé: “Pajama jeans”

We get it, B — you’re an overachiever, a workaholic, a self-made millionaire megastar. But now that you’re a mom-to-be, kick back a bit! There’s no reason to balance a minidress-swaddled baby bump on precariously high stilettos when you can park yourself on the couch in something stretchy. This holiday season, we’d like to give Beyoncé the gift of laziness — since we’re guessing that after the baby’s born, she’ll be back to her grueling schedule and glam look all too soon!

Ashton Kutcher: Camping gear

Whether he’s (allegedly) hitting on hot girls in nightclubs or putting his foot in his mouth on Twitter, Ashton’s need to remain connected and at the center of the action ends up landing him in hot water. Dude should spend some time off the grid, far from the nearest satellite signal, just staring up at the stars from his sleeping bag — and doing some soul-searching about his marriage.

Demi Moore: A pasta maker

While Ashton’s off in the woods contemplating, we think his soon-to-be-ex-wife ought to be chillaxing and carb-loading. As she copes with the demise of her marriage, the 49-year-old actress is looking stressed and scary skinny, and we’d love for her to pour herself a glass of Chianti, put on some classical music, and feast on some spaghetti carbonara with her best girlfriends. Bonus: As she’s hand-cranking pasta sheets into noodles, she can imagine it’s her allegedly unfaithful hubby’s face she’s shredding into ribbons.

Brad Pitt: A gold watch

Brad says he’ll retire from acting in three years, when he’s 50 … which is ridiculous! If he wants to direct in his golden years, fine, but he needs to follow in Robert Redford’s footsteps and continue acting (and looking hot) as well. Hopefully, the chintzy watch we give Brad will make him realize being off camera isn’t for him.

Lady Gaga: A tracksuit and a baseball cap

Because sometimes she must just want to go out incognito without paparazzi noticing her! Wait … maybe not? OK, we’ll save the receipts in case she wants to exchange her gifts. Surely Target also has a meat-wear department.

Justin Bieber: A copy of “What to Expect When Some Chick Says You’re Expecting”

OK, with all the pregnancy and childbirth books on the market, that one must actually exist, right? Right? … Well, if it doesn’t, at least we know Maury Povich is standing by to solve the pop star’s paternity plight — though he’d be much harder to gift-wrap.

Kim Kardashian: Cardboard boxes and bubble wrap

What do you get the girl who has everything? We’re thinking materials that she can use to pack up all those ultra-luxe wedding gifts that hundreds of guests purchased off her pricey registry, and ship them off to the charity of her choice. You did say you were going to donate all the gifts to charity, right, Kim? Right?

FOG Fair, 50,000-square-foot cornucopia of contemporary art and design, returns to Fort Mason

Eighth edition features 45 fine art galleries, dealers and design firms from around the globe

Exxon aims to leverage Texas courts to silence San Francisco and CA climate critics

Oil firm claims its history of publicly denying the climate crisis is protected by First Amendment