In days of yore, when knights rode astride gilded steeds and no one bathed, a king and his queen were expected to carry on the royal lineage in due haste. Noblemen would be dispatched to the bedchambers to watch the deed go down, just to keep everyone honest.
As awesome as it would be to picture Queen Elizabeth II at the foot of Kate Middleton and Prince William’s bed on their wedding night, such things no longer occur. Now all we can do is wait for sure-fire signs of pregnancy such as a baby bump, excessive folic acid consumption or the shunning of liquor.
When queen-to-be Kate toasted with water instead of Champagne a few days ago, it seemed to be enough proof for several media outlets to announce her pregnancy.
Sadly, this week she was seen drinking a glass of wine. And so we wait.
Johnston & Johnson
Of course, some people really shouldn’t reproduce.
Bristol Palin ex and prophylactically challenged Levi Johnston had another baby out of wedlock with some Alaskan babe this week, fathering a daughter named Breeze Beretta.
Already in a contentious kerfuffle with Bristol over their son, Tripp — memorialized in the reality show, “Life’s A Tripp” — this potent baby daddy not only shoots to score with no defense, but he also seems to come up with the dumbest names imaginable for his spawn.
Make up your mind, Levi: Is a life a “Tripp” or a “Breeze”?
The dog ate my script
The mystery continues as to why folks keep hiring Lindsay Lohan to be in their films. Her latest opportunity came in the form of a cameo in the upcoming “Scary Movie 5.”
According to various sources, Lohan reportedly failed to show up to any of the meetings surrounding the project, such as wardrobe fittings or script readings, and then she attempted to bail completely by citing a case of “walking pneumonia” to get out altogether.
There does seem to be a method to her madness, though: Her walk-on role would require her to kiss grizzled nutter Charlie Sheen.
Fair enough, Lilo, but it is a horror movie, remember?
- Ex-Grateful Dead drummer Mickey Hart is wanted in Kentucky for an alleged assault that occurred after a gig.
- “Kill Bill” star Michael Madsen was pulled over in his hot rod on suspicion of DUI in Malibu.
- Gwyneth Paltrow has been voted the world’s best-dressed woman by People magazine.
- “Newsroom” star Alison Pill accidently tweeted a topless picture of herself, presumably meant to go to her boyfriend.
- Nick and Vanessa Lachey welcomed their new son, Camden John, on Wednesday night.