Scoop! Outwit, outplay, outlast: Who will stay at ‘SNL’?

The comings and goings at “Saturday Night Live” continue to be a mystery … even to the people who may or may not work there.

“SNL” creator Lorne Michaels said on Sunday that four cast members would not be returning to the long-running sketch comedy show when it kicks off its new season on Sept. 30.

Michaels refused to drop names, but on Tuesday, the Los Angeles Times reported that Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell and Kenan Thompson will not be returning to Studio 8H in the fall. The L.A. Times went on to say that Darrell Hammond was most likely the fourth person facing the chopping block.

It’s Sanz and Will Forte who are getting the boot, according to TMZ.com. While The New York Post is claiming it’s Maya Rudolph who is leaving.

For his part, Sanz says no one has told him anything about anything.

“I haven’t been approached with anything that’s led me to believe I won’t be back,” the comedian who thought “Boat Trip” was a good idea told the Chicago Sun-Times. “I don’t know what the hell is going on. I think some executives leaked a bunch of [bleep].”

Here’s what we know for sure … “Saturday Night Live” hasn’t been really funny in years.

Amber’s model behavior

Supermodel-turned-actress Amber Valletta has admitted herself into rehab for “nonsubstance-related addiction,” “work stress” and “image issues.”

Oh, there’s nothing sadder than a supermodel with “image issues.” As for “work stress,” standing around looking beautiful while people take your picture can be really taxing on your nerves.

According to The New York Daily News, the “Hitch” star is staying at Meadows in Wickenburg, Ariz. Star-studded graduates of that program include Kate Moss, Matthew Perry and Whitney Houston, so you know it really works …

Have some Wheaties, NICOLE

Speaking of image issues, walking skeleton Nicole Richie is finally moving on from ex-fiancé DJ AM, also known as Adam Goldstein. The current poster girl for eating disorders is dating Brody Jenner (son of

Olympian-turned-Wheaties-box-star Bruce Jenner), who just ended his relationship with former “Laguna Beach” star Kristin Cavallari a mere two weeks ago.

The new couple cruised the Teen Choice Awards after-parties together and spent a weekend hanging out in Malibu.

“He really likes her,” an insider told Us Weekly. “Brody is really easygoing and Kristin was very high-strung. He likes that Nicole is so laid-back and that she’s older and more mature.”

For the record, Richie is 24, Jenner is 23 and Cavallari is 19. We suspect no one in this situation is mature.

Party Spice

Victoria Beckman was spotted boozing up with her girlfriends sans wedding ring on Tuesday night. Well, that’s one way to put an end to those pregnancy rumors.

The woman known as Posh Spice before marrying soccer hunk David Beckham tossed back glass after glass of Dom Perignon Champagne and Matsuhisa Martini cocktails throughout the night. At 4:45 a.m., the mother of three was wobbly, to say the least, and leaned on her bodyguard as she stumbled out of London’s St. James Casino.

“She looked tipsy, to say the least,” a witness told Life & Style Extra.

And, of course, the fine folks at The Daily Mail captured the entire drunken walk of shame on film.

smansfield@examiner.com

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