Holiday gifts we'd like to give the stars

Celebrities can afford to buy … well, a lot more stuff than we can, let’s put it that way. But there are some gifts they might not even be aware they need. If we were playing Secret Santa to the stars, here is what we would bestow on them.

Charlie Sheen: A travel safe

We have no idea whether Charlie Sheen’s hunch that escort Capri Anderson stole his expensive watch is true, or if he maybe just misplaced it in, hm, a drunken, drug-fueled, naked rage. But if you are going to party with strangers — OK, if you are going to party like Charlie Sheen — you might want to keep your $150,000 trinket locked safely away.

Bristol Palin: Her own reality TV show

Face it, whether you love her or hate her, she has her foot in the door of reality-TV fame — and if she is anything like her “pit-bull” mama, Bristol Palin is prepared to burst through it with guns blazing. Were it within our power, we would be the first to offer the teen mom a contract. After all, the way the political wind is blowing, it might not be a bad thing to have the Palins owe us a favor.

Kanye West: His own social network

The outspoken rapper has already turned tweeting into an art form, and Facebook is so five minutes ago. So we would like to see Kanye West develop his own online communication platform, which would feed his ego and make checking our e-mail — no, wait, K-mail — a lot more fun. KanyeSpace has a nice ring to it.

Jennifer Aniston: A bad perm

Bear with us here: It was a hairstyle that famously jump-started Jennifer Aniston’s TV career, and now the former “Friends” star could use a boost in her film work. We are tired of seeing her in the same old generic rom-coms with the same old generic California-girl tresses. Bring on the frizz — and with it an unglamorous (read: Oscar bait) leading role!

Jay-Z and Beyoncé: A bassinet

As the ultimate hip-hop power couple, they have bling, Bentleys and pretty much every luxury money can buy. But the one thing missing in their lives is a little Jay Jr. or baby B. We would like to inspire these two to start a family — and we are guessing their kid will launch a clothing line and a record label before he or she can walk.

Kate Middleton: A wig and dark glasses

She has been Waity Katie for years, but she is about to go from commoner to princess faster than you can say “tea and crumpets.” In case the pressure of living in a royal fishbowl ever worries the future Mrs. William Windsor, we would like her to have a disguise so she can slip out of the palace unnoticed and mingle with the plebes once in a while.

Justin Bieber: A nose ring

It is exceedingly rare for teen-pop phenomena to make the transition from cute-as-a-button heartthrobs to adult artists, while maintaining the same level of fangirl fervor. (Hanson, anyone?) So unless the “Baby” singer wants to be slogging along on the New Kids-Bieb tour five years from now, he needs to edge it up a little — starting now. (A Mohawk would not be a bad idea either.)

Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal:  An espresso maker

Sure, it is not like these two are hurting for cash — which is the usual reason people make coffee at home instead of hitting Starbucks. But on their cuddly coast-to-coast tour of coffeehouses, they are subject to prying eyes and iPhones. Brewing their own java would mean no more amateur-paparazzi pictures ending up online. Then again, what fun would that be?

Charlie SheenentertainmentFeaturesGossipKanye West

If you find our journalism valuable and relevant, please consider joining our Examiner membership program.
Find out more at www.sfexaminer.com/join/

Just Posted

San Francisco Police Officer Nicholas Buckley, pictured here in 2014, is now working out of Bayview Station. <ins>(Department of Police Accountability records)</ins>
SF police return officer to patrol despite false testimony

A San Francisco police officer accused of fabricating a reason for arresting… Continue reading

Disability advocates protested outside the home of San Francisco Health Officer Tomas Aragon. (Courtesy Brooke Anderson)
Vaccine rollout plan for people with disabilities remains deeply flawed

On February 13, disability activists paid a visit to the house of… Continue reading

Mayor London Breed and Supervisor Shamann Walton announced that funding would be diverted from the police budget toward the black community in June 2020. (Kevin N. Hume/S.F. Examiner)
City directs $60 million toward Black community services and housing support

San Francisco released new details Thursday for how it plans to spend… Continue reading

The Stud, The City’s oldest gay bar which is vacating its longtime home at Ninth and Harrison streets after more than 50 years, on Thursday, May 21, 2020. (Kevin N. Hume/S.F. Examiner)
City’s nightlife recovery fund approved but struggling business owners fear relief may come too late

As San Francisco’s nightlife scene approaches nearly a year of a complete… Continue reading

Riordan Crusaders versus St. Ignatius Wildcats at JB Murphy Field on the St. Ignatius Prepatory High School Campus on September 14, 2019 in San Francisco, California. (Chris Victorio | Special to the S.F. Examiner)
State allows high school sports to resume, but fight is far from over

For the first time since mid-March 2020, there is hope for high… Continue reading

Most Read