OK, we’ve had our two weeks of all things irrelevant, including an actual breakdown of the news conference attire chosen by John and Jim Harbaugh.
We’ve had our fill of filler stories. You know, the little-known tale of the trials and tribulations of the special teams gunner. Gripping stuff that you’ll never again give a second thought.
We’ve been amused by the players who just can’t help themselves.
You just knew Randy Moss was going to stir some stank up at some point, right?
We’ve been educated on the most minute details of the individual, unit, coaching and cheerleading matchups.
We’ve had some this-is-serious-stuff reports, too. Like President Barack Obama not allowing his imaginary son to play football. Question: Is that imaginary son named Manti Te’o?
We even got a deer-antler drug controversy — thanks, of course, to controversy magnet Ray Lewis.
And, yes, we’ve been absolutely bombarded by on-the-scene-in-New-Orleans reporters (read: I’m here and super-cool, and you’re not) filing mind-numbing “postcards” about what they ate, whom they saw and how much souvenirs for their family cost. Self-indulgent journalism in the hands of most, mildly amusing only in the hands of the very best.
But now it’s all over. It’s time. It’s Super Bowl Sunday, and you’re likely either hosting a party or attending one.
Whether you partake in the eight to 10 hours of pregame show is your call. It boils down to a condensed version of everything you’ve seen and heard over the previous two weeks. Fancier packaging, is all.
But there are other calls with which you might need some help, and that’s where the following might prove helpful.
You have but one goal today. Do not be THAT GUY or THAT GIRL. Every Super Bowl party has one. Follow these three simple rules, and you will not be it.
- RULE 1: Don’t participate in any event-specific drinking games. For instance, if someone suggests everyone do a shot of Jack every time Colin Kaepernick runs for a first down, stare down the peer pressure. Accept the challenge and here’s what’s going to happen: He runs for 10 and you try to make out with someone else’s man or woman.
- RULE 2: Don’t show off your football brain, even if you know the game exceptionally well. Nobody likes a know-it-all to begin with, and in one of the mysteries of life, the know-it-all who’s actually right draws even more contempt. Dumb it down. If you must, nod knowingly when the tight ends get behind the Sam backer, just like you knew they would, but don’t tell people you knew they would. This is the ultimate casual-fan game. Be one.
- RULE 3: Don’t gloat if your team wins, and don’t express anything remotely close to anger if your team loses. An exception can be made if, say, there isn’t a single Baltimore Ravens fan at the party. Or a single Niners fan (wow, would that party suck). But if there’s any mix whatsoever, you have to resist the urge to be even slightly overly emotional. Why? Because you never know how the other side is going to take it, and if the other side was playing the Colin drinking game or the like, you might just end up with a fight on your hands. Never a good look.
It might seem like a buzzkill set of rules, but it’s not. They are tried and true. Absorb the Super Bowl in moderation on every level, and you’ll not only remember all the fun you had come Monday morning, but nobody will remember you as the guest to be omitted from the invitation list next year. Enjoy.
Mychael Urban has covered Bay Area sports for more than 22 years as a contributor to Comcast SportsNet, CSNBayArea.com, KNBR, MLB.com, ESPN The Magazine and various newspapers. Follow him on Twitter @BigUrbSports. His website is UrbsUnchained.com.