Bob Frantz: Impressive run far from ‘Miracle’

Team USA had its moments in South Africa, upsetting Spain in a 2-0 shutout, but there is no comparison between that Confederations Cup win and the 1980 Olympic Hockey Team’s “Miracle on Ice.” (Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)

At the moment of this writing, the USA soccer team is still an hour from beginning its Continual, er, Community, um, Continental, or Contiguous … well, some kind of Cup championship match against Brazil.

Having not seen a minute of play, I am still 99 percent confident in the accuracy of this game re-cap: The two teams ran in circles for
90 excruciating minutes of non-action that made ESPN’s National Spelling Bee look exciting by comparison.

The clubs combined for 11 shots rumored to be on goal, with two of them finding the back of the net, while Brazilian Anderson Varejao of the Cleveland Cavaliers flopped four times in front of his club’s goal, drawing three charges and a blocking foul.

American fans woke up twice during the contest, once for the bathroom, and once to turn the television off because the announcers were disturbing their naps.

Pretty darned close, wasn’t I?

Truth be told, the USA’s upset of Spain or somebody last week was a big win, but to compare it to the 1980 Olympic Hockey Team’s “Miracle on Ice” is an insult both to miracles and to ice. Our hockey team featured a group of college kids who had never played together before against a well-oiled, professional Soviet national team that was the most dominant in international hockey history.

The soccer game was our pros against Spain’s pros. Big win? Yes. But “Miracle on Grass”? Please.

-- Speaking of Miracles on Grass, Michael Phelps swam a personal best in the butterfly at the Canada Cup as he prepares for the
U.S. Championships next month.

-- Manny Ramirez, on a minor league tour in preparation for his return to the Dodgers from steroid suspension this Friday, is basking in the glow of cheering audiences and adoring fans who seem unconcerned with the cheating of his sport. “People love me wherever I go,” Manny proclaimed. And he’s right. Which says even more about the fans and our pathetic sports society than it does
about Manny.

-- After his trade to the Cavaliers was completed, Shaquille O’Neal admitted he hadn’t talked with LeBron James yet, but that he had “mental conversations” with him. Unless “mental” is a code word for “Twitter,” the Cavs had better hope they didn’t just trade for “The Big Psychiatric.”

-- Am I to understand that Milton Bradley, who had an in-game meltdown for the Cubs on Friday, was thrown out of the ballpark and lectured on self-control by Lou Piniella? You mean Bradley, who threw his helmet and attacked a water-cooler, was given the heave-ho and called a “piece of s---” by … Lou Piniella? You mean the manager who practically has entire Web sites dedicated to videos of his legendary career of kicking hats, kicking dirt on umpires, throwing bats, throwing bases and routinely making a jackass of himself is now instructing ballplayers on how to remain calm? In related news, Travis Henry is now teaching abstinence education, Evander Holyfield is giving investment advice, Rosie O’Donnell has published a dieting book and Barbara Boxer is conducting etiquette seminars.

Sports personality Bob Frantz is a regular contributor to The Examiner. E-mail him at bfrantz@sfexaminer.com.