Frantz: Diary of a doomed coach

By Bob Frantz
Special to The Examiner 10/6/08

Long gone: Lane Kiffin was finally fired by the Raiders last week after a long, drawn-out process that felt like it would never end. ASSOCIATED PRESS SAN FRANCISCO – Still wondering how everything fell apart for Lane Kiffin? A peek into the former coach’s personal diary:

1-4-08
Dear diary,
So I finally made the move, diary. I told Rob Ryan we were changing our defense and that he was gone. Guess what. The owner overruled me! We can’t make a freaking play on defense, I try to fix it ... and he cuts my b***s off? How am I supposed to fix this team if I have no authority over the damned staff? What should I do, diary? Should I quit?

1-25-08
Dear diary,
Oh ... my ... God. You won’t believe this. I talked to “him” again today, and you know what? I have no say over the coaching staff, the draft or the roster at all! I thought he was just testing me, to see if I’d stand up for myself, but then he gave me a letter of resignation to sign! My dad warned me about this guy, but jeez! Skeletor actually wants me to quit instead of firing me, so he doesn’t have to pay me! Well screw that, diary! I’m staying put until he forces me out.

8-17-08
Dear diary,
I don’t know what to do. Dr. Evil laid out tens of millions for stiffs like Tommy Kelly and Javon Walker and wants me to win with them. I’ve told the media how bad they are. I’ve been as insulting as I can without making it obvious. The roster sucks. Ryan’s still here. We’re gonna get drilled. Why won’t he fire me so I can get paid and hit the beach?

9-10-08
Dear diary,
Well that ought to do it! Holy crap did we suck! We made Cutler look like Montana! Shanahan put 41 on us, in Al’s building, and I told the media it was Ryan’s fault, along with the defensive coordinator in the owner’s box! Press conference should be in the morning ... screw ’em! Let Lofton or Ryan put up with this crap from now on. I am sooo outta here! See ya tomorrow, diary, when I’m FREE!

9-11-08
Dear diary,
You aren’t gonna believe this ... but I have to go to work again this week! I’m still head coach! Damn it!

9-12-08
Dear diary,
Get this one, diary. Now the old man’s telling me I’m the one who’s screwing up the franchise, and that if he fires me, he won’t pay! He’s still trying to get me to quit! No freaking way!

9-14-08
Dear diary,
I think he’s ready to crack! The papers this morning said I’m gone after the Kansas City game, win or lose! We actually won the damned thing somehow, but I can tell it’s coming!
Hell, I’m not even gonna bother wearing Raiders’ gear to the presser tomorrow!

9-22-08
Dear diary,
Can you believe it? The old bastard just won’t give in! Keeping me around after we hand one to the Bills like that? What do I have to do, wipe barbecue sauce all over his white jumpsuit? Lemme outta here!

9-30-08
Dear diary,
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!! Good freaking luck, Tom Cable! All it took was giving away a 15-point lead over the Chargers! The crypt keeper says he won’t pay me, but I’ve already won! I feel like Mel Freaking Gibson in Braveheart, diary! “FREEEEE-DOM!”

Sports personality Bob Frantz is a regular contributor to The Examiner. E-mail him at bfrantz@sfexaminer.com.

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