Will the Raiders bring back the Rat?

Would Al Davis even think about bringing back ex-Raiders coach Mike Shanahan? (AP)

SAN FRANCISCO — The Raiders need a head coach. Mike Shanahan needs a job. Call it karma. Call it fate. Call it destiny. OK, call me a crack addict.
Here goes anyway — the Ultimate Indecent Proposal: It’s time to bring back the Rat!

It would be a more bizarre screenplay than any Hollywood writer could ever churn out after a week of sipping peyote in the desert and it would never happen in a million Al Davis lifetimes, but close your eyes and picture it with me:

There he is — the Rat himself, after years of an enmity and animosity with the Raiders that were more vicious than Mike Tyson vs. Evander Holyfield, the North vs. the South, Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie or Michael Vick vs. PETA — back in Silver and Black and turning Darren McFadden, Justin Fargas and Michael Bush each into 1,000-yard rushers! In the same season! (OK, that’s a reach, but you have to admit: Shanahan could get 800 yards out of Amy Trask if he had to.)

Oh, sure, you’re saying right about now, there’s the small matter of Davis refusing to pay the quarter- to half-million bucks Shanahan says he’s owed from the first go-round. No problem! Recent reports indicate Davis’ intention to sell another 10 percent of the team to a new investor named C. Dean Metropoulos, right? Perfect! Take Shanahan’s back pay out of the new guy’s share of the team and let’s start fresh!

And yes, yes, I’ve heard the reports of Shanahan possibly sitting back for a year while Wade Phillips hangs himself in Dallas and then taking the reins of the Cowboys in 2010. But come on, why would the old coach go to work for Al Davis Version 2.0, also known as Jerry Jones, when he could have Round 2 with the original? Sometimes it’s better to work with devil you know than the devil you don’t, right?

I suppose that even if such a reunion did make sense for either side, it would never come to pass because Davis would never bring himself to ask Shanahan to come back after 20 years. Again, no problem! If there’s been one constant that has held the Raiders back in the last six years of indescribable misery they’ve endured, it’s the lack of a true general manager to run the football operation. So the only thing Al has to do is to hire a GM, give him the authority to find the right coach and let the GM ring Shanahan’s phone instead! Al’s hands, and his conscience, are clean!

OK, it’s all a big fairy tale, I know. But you can’t honestly tell me you’re chomping at the bit for Kevin Gilbride to be introduced as the next coach, can you? Tom Cable? Jim Harbaugh? Marc Trestman? Paul Hackett? Please. Caroline Kennedy has a better resume for the U.S. Senate than most of those guys have as NFL head coaches. (OK, that’s a reach, too.)

According to the Chinese calendar, 2008 was the Year of the Rat. I say they were off by a year! The Rat lives in Oakland in 2009!

Sports personality Bob Frantz is a regular contributor to The Examiner. E-mail him at bfrantz@sfexaminer.com.