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Private money to assist public pooping

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Mayoral candidate Stuart Shuffman put “Out of Order” signs on bathrooms in City Hall to demonstrate The City’s need for more public restrooms. (Courtesy Broke-Ass Stuart)

Last week, I got serious about San Francisco’s poop problem. If you recall, I detailed all the ways that S.F. could fix the issue of human feces on our streets and then, just to drive the point home, I put “Out of Order” signs on the bathrooms at City Hall so the mayor and the supes would feel some cramps.

Yeah, I know, it was pretty awesome. But last night, sitting around with some friends and further discussing the issue, my buddy Leef came up with a brilliant idea to get even more public bathrooms opened. I’m officially calling the idea Privately Owned Open Pooping Spots (a.k.a. POOPS).

Following in the footsteps of the Privately Owned Public Open Space (POPOS) and the 1% Public Art Program, I think it’s imperative that we get the private sector involved with our excrement issues. According to SF-Planning.org, POPOS are “publicly accessible spaces in forms of plazas, terraces, atriums, small parks, and even snippets that are provided and maintained by private developers.” While I don’t know exactly what a snippet is, I’d love to add one more pretty sounding thing to that list, “privies”. This has a nice ring to it, “Enjoy the view of many downtown terraces while reclining on the luxurious privy in the Bank of America atrium.” That just sounds fancy, doesn’t it?

Really though, think about this: San Francisco has a program that makes it so that developers of all big projects in downtown and the surrounding neighborhoods have to give the equivalent of 1% of total construction costs to public art. But who wants to look at public art that has been shit on (and I don’t mean by an art critic). So that’s where my new POOPS plan comes into play.

What if all these developers also had to give 1% of total construction costs to creating and maintaining public bathrooms? Look how many cranes are in the SF skyline right now. Let’s just say there are seven projects being built right now for $100m each (these are conservative guesses). That would be $7m that would go directly into creating public bathrooms and hiring attendants to keep them clean.

Or we can just go with the Portland Loo that I mentioned in last weeks article, which uses no water, is nearly impossible for destroy, and is easy for police to patrol. Seeing as each of these cost $100,000, this would create 70 new 24 hour public bathrooms in San Francisco (at these conservative numbers)!

And then, get this, we can even get some of the artists from the 1% Art Program to embellish and adorn these new commodes so they look as great as they work. Instead of tourists leaving our fair city and saying “San Francisco is so lovely, but there is so much poop everywhere!” they will say, “Not only did I see get to see the Golden Gate Bridge and Alcatraz, but I was blown away by how amazing their POOPS were!”

So there we go, I just solved San Francisco’s poop problem, again. I’ve been given the new nickname of the Pope of Poop…I mean, it can’t be any more ridiculous than the name Broke-Ass Stuart. You can thank me by writing to your district supervisor or the mayor. Or you can write me at info@BrokeAssStuart.com because I’ve got some other ways you can help as well.

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