Emptying out the mailbag …
Q: TIGER WOODS SURE LOOKED GOOD LAST SUNDAY AT THE U.S. OPEN. PLAYED LIKE CRAP, BUT LOOKED GOOD. ANY IDEA IF THOSE SKIN-TIGHT RED GOLF SHIRTS COME IN BIG AND TALL SIZES? — A. Cabrera, Argentina
A: Sure do. And not only that, they’re burn resistant, made especially for pudgy chain smokers whose burningashes occasionally fall onto their pot bellies while lining up their putts.
Q: NOW THAT KOBE BRYANT HAS FINALLY MADE UP HIS MIND ABOUT WANTING A TRADE, WHERE’S THE BEST FIT FOR HIM? —Jerry B., Los Angeles
A: Well, the Los Angeles Lakers stood firmly behind Kobe during his sexual assault troubles, they traded Shaquille O’Neal when Kobe wanted to be The Man in L.A. and they paid him the maximum amount of money allowed by the NBA. And he’s still not happy. His best fit might be his first choice: Pluto.
Q: I’D LIKE TO CONGRATULATE THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS ON WINNING THEIR FOURTH NBA TITLE IN NINE YEARS — THEY’RE A TRUE DYNASTY. BUT HOW COME TIM DUNCAN CAN GO 10-FOR-32 IN GAMES 3 AND 4 OF THE FINALS AND NOT HEAR ABOUT IT, WHILE LEBRON’S 10-FOR-30 MAKES HIM A FLOP? — E. Snow, Akron, Ohio
A: Because LeBron’s 10-for-30 didn’t come alongside Tony Parker’s 10-for-14 or Manu Ginobi’s 8-for-19, that’s why. Oh, and the Big Fundamental’s three previous Finals MVP awards might have something to do with it as well.
Q: WHAT’S THERE TO DO IN PORTLAND? — Greg O., Columbus, Ohio
A: If you’re able to stay out of jail, plenty. For instance, there’s the … ummm … yeah. And then there’s that really cool … ahhh … hmmm. Well, how about checking out the … ohhh … the thing … you know. Crap. Well, how about smoking grass, growing crazy red hair, singing Kumbaya with hippies, and winning NBA titles? Worked for Bill Walton, didn’t it?
Q: WHY’S EVERYBODY PUSHING FOR KEVIN GARNETT TO BE TRADED TO A CHAMPIONSHIP CONTENDER SOMEWHERE? YOU CAN’T MEASURE A STAR’S CAREER BY HOW MANY CHAMPIONSHIPS HE’S WON, RIGHT? — Charles B., Alabama
A: Certainly, basketball historians will remember superstar players for their individual accomplishments, but it’s clear that Garnett doesn’t want to be one of thoseguys to retire without a ring and then spend an entire broadcasting career trying to justify it.
Q: I’VE BEEN OUT OF TOUCH LATELY — DETAINED ON BUSINESS. I HEARD BARRY BONDS STILL HASN’T CAUGHT HANK AARON YET — IS THAT TRUE? ANYTHING WE LOYAL FANS CAN DO TO HELP? — G. Anderson, Dublin
A: He’s almost there, G. And trust me … you’ve already done quite enough.
Q: YO, MAN … IF A SUCKA CB CAN STICK IT AN’ PICK IT, AN’ BRING IT BACK TO DA HOUSE FO’ SIX IN THE BIG SHOW, WHAS’ WRONG WITH MAKIN’ IT RAIN FO THE HONEYS, YO? — A. Jones, Las Vegas
A: Well, if you’re asking me why a cornerback who can stick with receivers, intercept passes, and return them for touchdowns in the NFL shouldn’t be allowed to dump bags full of money on strippers while their posses engage in firefights at strip clubs, I guess you’d have to ask Roger Goodell. He’s just weird like that, yo.
Sports personality Bob Frantz is a regular contributor to The Examiner. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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