Celebs get free gifts all the time, courtesy of devoted fans, studios and swag suites. But do the stars really get the presents they deserve? Here’s our wish list for certain celebrity headline-makers of 2009.
A year’s supply of double-sided tape
We’re glad to see that RiRi remains a proud, confident, sexy woman … especially after the trauma she endured early in ’09. But watching her prance around in jackets open to the navel or bodysuits consisting of bandage strips makes us nervous. She’s already gotten enough unwanted media attention for reasons unrelated to her music — the last thing she needs is a high-profile wardrobe malfunction.
A wilderness retreat — with no wireless signal accessible
Seriously, someone get this man away from the Internet, even if just for a few days. We’re sick of his constant too-witty-for-school tweets, and frankly, we’re worried he might be the first guitarist in history to have to retire due to carpal tunnel syndrome. (Actually, that wouldn’t be so bad. …)
Jon and Kate Gosselin
A time machine
The best holiday wish we could grant this fallen-from-their-pedestal pair would be a trip back to their idyllic past, when they were a likable but struggling married couple with a successful show — not a couple of squabbling, greedy opportunists widely perceived to have used their kids for fame. Bonus gifts, in case they have trouble sharing assets: a Flowbee for Kate, whose coif seems ideally suited for a vacuum-haircutting device; and for Jon, a three-pack of plain white (read: non-Ed Hardy-besmirched) T-shirts.
A handler carrying a Breathalyzer
When certain drivers get busted for DUI, they have to blow a sober blood-alcohol level before the car ignition will start. Now, Kanye hasn’t been found guilty of anything more than a grand mal faux pas, but anyone who saw him embarrass himself and Taylor Swift at the VMAs no doubt shares our holiday wish that he retain a constantly-on-hand publicist … who refuses to hand him the mic once he’s had a “sippy-sippy” of Hennessy.
Her own reality show
Some celeb tots cower when the paparazzi get in their faces, but Suri soaks up the spotlight like the second-generation A-lister she is. The 3-year-old, who was recently sighted rocking a pink flamenco dress and polka-dot ballroom-dance heels — to play in the park — could probably outdo her mom’s performance on “Dancing With the Stars” … but we have a feeling she’d prefer to have a camera crew following her 24/7. “Tom and Kate Plus 1,” anyone?
A beard trimmer
The holiday season is no excuse for a former Sexiest Man Alive to sport facial hair more unkempt than Santa’s. Please, Brad, shave that thing off your chin before PETA mistakes it for a dead animal and starts picketing you!
Seeing as how Jon and Kate already snagged the time machine, all we’ve got to offer the beleaguered Tiger is a little ointment to soothe his cuts and scrapes from his infamous car accident, as well as any other chronic aches and pains caused by frequent … er, golfing.
A new puppy
Ever since Jessica Simpson lost her main squeeze, she’s been inconsolable. What, you thought we were talking about Tony Romo? It was the singer’s Maltipoo, Daisy, who gave her the unconditional love she’s been searching for from guys. Sadly, the pup was eaten by a coyote (which Jess may well wish had happened to Tony).
Decent hair extensions
She’s got her body back. She’s got her career back. She’s got her kids back. So why, oh why, does Britney have yet to regain the lustrous tresses she sported before her infamous head-shaving incident? Now that she’s regained her throne as the princess of pop, girlfriend needs to get rid of those unbe-weave-able straws sticking out of her head and get herself some natural-looking hair.