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Analyzing possible outcome of elections

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Elections in odd-numbered years, when there aren’t any major national races, have historically low voter turnout. (Cindy Chew/2006 S.F. Examiner)

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This election is probably already decided by absentee ballots. Everyone knows this, but every campaign with the means to do so will grind until the polls close. We do this partly because there’s always a slight chance of tipping the outcome. And mainly because we fear the emotional trauma of another Betty Yee-John Perez cliffhanger that COULD BE MY FAULT BECAUSE I DIDN’T WORK HARD ENOUGH THIS ONE TIME.

Starting Wednesday, expect the press to drastically overstate the significance of whatever happened. Either the “city slides to the right” and “progressives lose their way” or “progressives reborn,” “Mayor rebuked.” None of it is accurate.

Slow your roll before divining entrails. If predictions are correct and voter turnout falls below 30 percent, we could elect our next mayor with a resounding mandate from 11 percent of the population. What a waste of Airbnb’s $8 million, which could have been better spent on people displaced by rampant and wanton sharing, who also like libraries and bike lanes.

Why do we even have municipal elections in odd years? Can we move these races onto the regular election cycle? We all get sick of campaign mail, and the implication of the off-year election is that we as a city have such low regard for the office of mayor that it should be decided by fewer people than attend Hardly Strictly Bluegrass.

Ed Lee has presided over mass displacement and soaring inequality. He touts the plunge in the unemployment rate, while failing to note that said plunge was achieved by deporting the unemployed. Or eating them. They certainly didn’t get jobs here. In addition, he allows a billionaire Republican to dictate policy, threatens opponents, allegedly takes bribes and launders money, wants to expunge the homeless for the Super Bowl, and one of his allies is in jail for child pornography. How has none of this stuck? Mayor Lee deserves a Nobel Prize for unobtrusive affability.

On Prop. I, the Mission moratorium, everyone’s got a study. Once a complex policy is reduced to bellowing “my study says it’s basic economics,” you’ve lost. Do you have enough rich people in your neighborhood calling the police on you? Do you enjoy communities with a unique history and culture? If you answered “no” to these questions, you should also vote no on Prop. I.

I heard one nightmare fantasy from the realtors that if Peskin wins and Clinton becomes president, then Ed Lee will be named ambassador to China and Peskin becomes mayor. Which would be armageddon. Christensen’s people have too much free time.

Partisans are arguing whether Aaron Peskin or Julie Christensen is the bigger bully. Complaining about the lack of civility in politics is a mug’s game. People make an issue of civility or tone when they know they can’t win the argument on policy. Electoral politics does not attract humble, unassuming or kindly people. That’s not in the job description.

Aaron Peskin, Bernie Sanders and I are all irascible and opinionated Jews who were old cranks when we were young. If you think we are “bombastic,” “obnoxious,” “irritating,” then you’re basically Hitler.

I have a fantasy that the majority of voters frustrated with inequality and displacement will “throw away” a protest vote on the “fringe” candidacies of Schuffman, Weiss and Herrera. Not expecting to win, just out of indignation. By a fluke and in a shock to everyone, we all wake up Wednesday morning to discover that Broke-Ass Stuart has been elected mayor. I write jokes for Stuart, and have already accepted a position in the Broke-Ass Room 200.

The tech industry would immediately be bumped from its primacy in our economy by hordes of screenwriters writing movies, reality shows, graphic novels and porn about the unexpected, delightful and hilarious regime of Mayor Broke-Ass. It’s the kind of madcap caper that would restore San Francisco to its greatest glory.

Nato Green is a comedian who, if we’re being totally honest, is better at afflicting the comfortable than comforting the afflicted. Catch him live Saturdays at Cynic Cave or @natogreen.

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